Remembering Pearl Ann, my mother July 2018

Beautiful breezy summers day today.I was sat in the garden yesterday, a gentle breeze and flickering shade and I was reminded of a feeling that I had forgotten as a child. I have talked before about the swing we had in the garden, and how swinging high allowed me to see over the hedge and into the fields of buttercups and rusty coloured sorrel. That feeling of freedom which was fleeting then and fleeting now. There always seems to be something I “should” be doing and I am feeling a bit tired of that feeling.

Of course, that is a state of mind and thinking, a conditioned belief, maybe held as a result of seeing my mother work so hard constantly. She passed 19 years ago at  the end of this month, on a glorious summer’s day like today. At the time, 3 week’s before her passing, I had just completed my Usui Reiki Master training in which I did some work on my relationship with my mother.  Here I am, 19 years on still doing healing work, having been drawn as a child to this work but strongly inspired by the need to help my mother through her lengthy illness.

My mother was a workaholic (and an alcoholic at the end). Two weeks before she passed she was lifting paving slabs, she loved her garden, as I love mine now. I am grateful for this gift from her, for my mother her sanctuary and healing was being in her garden and with her cats. I grew up with a mother who was a florist and nursery women, She had a wonderful reputation in the Bristol area for being dedicated and wonderful floral artist using traditional methods. My love of flowers, and all things natural stem from her. We would spend many hours, me in particular, my 2 sisters and sometimes my brother, working with her wiring up flowers for bouquet, mossing up frames for wreaths and putting flowers in water. she would usually have a cat on her shoulders and others sitting  around her.

Though, with the passing of time, I now know how my mother was unable to protect me and to keep me safe, it is too easy to stay focused on the negative, which is a trait of mine. As I remember my mother at this time of year, reminded of her in the summer breeze and the glorious gifts bestowed by nature in the garden (see here poem below), I am thankful for all the gifts that she has given me and continues to. I do feel that she is with me now supporting me, helping me gain learning and understanding from the experience of my past. A week or so after her passing I had a healing treatment and I strongly felt and heard my mother say thank you for the floral arrangement my sister and I made for the top of her coffin and for the small bunch of herbs from her garden and a rose quartz crystal I placed in her hand as she lay in her coffin. We did a really good job, my sister and I, and she was proud of us and our efforts, she taught us well.  

There are so many gifts available to us ongoing through our experiences growing up and beyond, my mother is still teaching me as I am reminded to not be so hard on myself, to give myself time out and to enjoy my life. It does not have to be all about work. The cards I have pulled lately have all been saying to live life ab bit more, to do fun things and it seems a message for us all. We can be of service but still give ourselves permission to stop and smell the roses.

I didn’t know I was going to write this today about my mother but she is making her presence felt so I don’t want to ignore it. And if you are without a parent or both ( I feel like an orphan despite my father being alive still as we have not communicated for 15 years) thank them both for the gift of the learning, for the positive memories even if they are few and far between, and recognise that whatever our experiences with our parents have provided the opportunity to learn and grow, and all the things that have shaped us, good and not so good have made us into the human beings we are today. Our courage and strength, fortitude and drive, have come from a desire to heal or restore ourselves back to emotional health and recognition of our Divine selves. I thank both my parents, for without their suffering and my own, without the difficulties, I would not be the person I am today and actually I am proud of myself and my achievements in life, and I hope that you, beautiful being, with all your light and strength and courage you possess, are proud of yourself too.